February 2010
1 post
Today, my friend asked me which I thought was funnier, bananas or cheese. I should have ignored him, but deep down inside I knew cheese was funnier. RML
December 2009
1 post
Today, I saw my friend trade his beloved pet, a loaf of bread, into the vet for a jar of sauce. These are my friends. RML.
September 2009
12 posts
Today, like every other day, I expirenced discrimination, prejudice and threats from my neighboors, who act out of irrational fear brought on by archaic stereotypes about my people. I am an elf. RML
Today, I met a man who I thought was an intellectual because he was wearing glasses. Turns out he operates a jackhammer for a living. RML
Today, I had the day off of work so I decided to go to the beach and relax away my troubles. My dog was eaten by a pelican. RML
Today, I realized that the success or failure of most new and old businesses in my community is based soley upon the company’s decision to employ two mulit-talented twin chameleons who speak with thick accents of an undiscernable origin. And I think they might be gay. RML
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Today, I maxed out my credit card buying a dog bowl. RML
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Today, I went camping with my friend who has severe ADHD. We sung “Hot Cross Buns” for several hours. RML
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Today, I went to the movies and was mistaken for an usher by a belligerent woman who wanted me to ask a large, intimidating man to stop smoking his cigar in the theater. Being the gentleman that I am, I politely asked him to abstain. He beat me up. Then the woman effortlessly beat him up. RML
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Today, I bought a new vacuum and it destroyed my entire town. RML
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Today, I took my friend who is deathly afraid of airplanes on a flight to Las Vegas. Along the way we hit major turbulence and had to take an emergency landing, complete with inflatable escape slide. He had the time of his life. I’m still shitting bricks. RML
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Today, my son told me he was bringing home an elk for dinner. It was his date. RML
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Today, I had a near death expirience and was rushed to the hospital. My two best friends waited by my side, reflecting upon how they first met me while I pretended to be unconcious. None of them remembered correctly. RML
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Today, my wife adopted a vicious, mongrel-idiot dog who growls at the thought of me and uses my skull as a chew toy. For dinner the dog gets three delicious, bloody steaks; I get three curds of cottage cheese. RML
August 2009
22 posts
Today, I learned both the fact that I can belch-talk and the exact reason why my father will never be proud of me. RML
Today, I had to marry my best friend in order to not be expedited from the country. He took it way too far and started to become mad that I didn’t appreciate him for all that he did for me in our relationship. Yes, we’re on a children’s network, but the homosexual undertones were still there. RML
Today, I woke up to hear people in my neighborhood shouting “Ed good, Rocko bad” over and over again in the streets. Well, I’m not Ed. RML
Today, I couldn’t get a good night of sleep after a hard day of work because a housefly lost his glass eye in my nose. I also found out there is a prison colony in my sinuses where bad insects break up my boogers with tiny mining tools. RML
Today, my iron-jawed, butt-chinned, devilishly handsome face was destroyed in a freak accident thanks to the idiot paper boy. Now, I don’t have a nose or a reason to wake up in the morning. RML
Today, I took my very ill dog to the vet. After a swift examination, the vet solemnly told me that my pet was actually a loaf of bread. He then tried to coerce me into giving him Fluffy by offering me a jar of sauce. I accepted the trade. RML
Today, my neighbor—who hates me, my friends, and our respective guts—had a nervous breakdown before he was to give a presentation at his company. His wife made us dress up as him and give the presentation. RML
Today, my obese friend choked on a chicken bone and I had to make an emergency decision and save his life. He is so fat that I could literally climb into his body and navigate around his multiple stomachs. RML
Today, in a heart to heart moment with my best friend as we rode into the sunset on horseback, my friend turned to me and asked “which is funnier, bananas or cheese?” RML
Today, I turned into a gigantic walaby and destroyed the city. Then I realized things turning gigantic and destroying the city was a common occurance in O-Town. This never happened in Austrailia. RML
Today, after a huge campaign feud between my idiot neighbor and myself (including vicious slogans, flyers and the use of fake shoulders), I was elected the dog catcher of my town. It’s nothing more than a glorified pooper scooper. RML
Today, my friends and I went ocean fishing for the first time on a rented boat. Too make the adventure as successful as possible, we requested an experienced sea captain. We got a man with peg legs. And peg arms. And peg eyes. RML
Today, my idiot neighbor and his moron friends were having a nude party in their backyard. I told my wife about it and she went up to the attic to get our telescope. RML
Today, my friend took me to a diner so he could try their “Knockwurst Nightmare Platter,” 570 lbs of pig parts stuffed into two miles of intestinal tubing. He ordered two. There aren’t enough pigs in the country. RML
Today, it’s garbage day. It is a very dangerous day. RML
Today, I visited a major Hollywood studio where I saw two men throwing drawings into the air and taking pictures as they fell. I asked our tour guide if that is how cartoons are made and he said “no, those guys are idiots.” RML
Two days ago, Nicholas Saint Onge, co-creator of RML and a good friend of mine, lost his older brother in a freak accident. In recent months, Nick’s involvement with tumblr has been extraordinarily prolific and I know the success of this blog has been something that has made him quite happy. There is no way I can comprehend how he is feeling right now, but please do yourself a favor and read his...
Today, I went skiing and hit a tree. Luckily, I wasn’t hurt but out of frustration I insulted the trees for being in my way. They ganged up on me and beat me, viciously. Later, at the hospital, the trees told the receptionist that they were my parents so they could continue to beat me. RML
Today, I decided to go camping and take my friends to show them what it’s like to brave the rough outdoors. We decided we’d live off the land for a weekend, eating what we hunt and peeing behind bushes. My fat friend came with a full refrigerator strapped to his back. RML
Today, I went to see a movie, “Really Really Big Man Meets the Little Poots.” The movie ended when he stepped on the Little Poots. It was one minute and seventeen seconds long. RML
Today, I killed two squirrels living in the turtle shell that composes my spine. They were in love. RML
Today, my dog ate one of my Fat Heads Chewable Vitamins and we had to rush him to the vet so he wouldn’t explode. Apparently the tablet was in his ear the whole time, being worshiped by parasites. RML
July 2009
22 posts
Today, my friend and I went into the woods and I left a trail of breath mints to help us find our way back. When I turned around to go home the trail was gone and all the birds had minty fresh breath. A few of them were making out with each other. RML
Today, I saw a woman. She was a wild pig. RML
Today, a routine x-ray during my trip to the dentist caused my tooth to grow into a gigantic mutant and destroy the city. My dentist had to dress as the tooth fairy to control the beast. RML
Today, I was arrested for playing ding dong ditch. I am a fully grown adult with a job and a house. RML
Today, my two friends and I played a rousing game of “Spank the Monkey” together in my living room into the wee hours of the night. It’s a board game, you perverts. RML
Hey Fans!
Sorry I missed two posts last week due to an internet issue (Seriously, fuck Cablevision). I assure you, there will be an update every weekday until I literally cannot think of anything anymore. So follow us, please reblog us, and share us with your non-tumblr friends, too. That was a hoot!
-Drew
Today, my dog, Spunky, was possessed by a vengeful spirit of a 13th century hoard leader bent on the destruction of my best friend. And this isn’t the worst thing to happen to us this week. RML
Today, my liquid drain cleaner, Tropical Plumber, tried to help me overcome my nail biting problem with a 12 step program of its own creation. RML
Today, my two best friends avoided me because they thought I was an alien and if they high fived me then they would explode. My only two friends. RML
Today, I told my dad that my teacher said that every time someone gets their gas cap back an angel gets its wings. He said my teacher’s “full of snot.” RML
Today, I was awoken by my neighbor sleepwalking and imagining he was pirate. He kidnapped my dog and used bowling balls in a washing machine to create cannon of sorts; firing at my house until it inexplicably sunk into the earth bellow it. Then he made me walk the plank. RML
Today, I married a giant Galapagos Turtle who wears eye glasses. I’m a giant cat who has a hook for a hand. I’m also a dental hygienist. RML
Today, I had to retake my driving test and everyone warned me “don’t get the fat guy.” Sure enough, I’m taking the hardest test I’ve ever taken and I’m stuck with this fat guy making it impossible for me to pass. Turns out I didn’t even get “the” fat guy, I just got “a” fat guy. RML
Today, I was yelled at for an hour by my neighbor because my dog attacked his salmon bushes. It’s a plant that grows dead fish as its fruit. Seriously. RML